Looking Back + Moving Forward = ?

It's highly uncomfortable to be able to see the finer details of an aircraft this large from the confines of your backyard. 

 I was looking back at some other blogs and marveling at: 

1. How I never added a "Read on" tag to shorten up the posts on the main page view 

2. Patterns, they repeat

Then, this morning, I read a newsletter from an artist that I follow on the Tube of Ewes, and today, he brought up one Heather Hamilton, who decided to (as the kids are saying now) "unsubscribe" from the planet. I swear I had never heard of this woman until today. Regardless, her story opened my eyes to a few things: 

1. Depression + alcohol = an endless cycle of swirling down

2. No matter how many people love and adore you, if you are depressed, you can't see any of it. It's not an active choice, it's just the power of the gray matter to filter out all but the worst. 

3. The internet is a vehicle. Some of the drivers are complete shit. If you don't have something uplifting, encouraging, or positive to say, maybe this: SHUT the FUCK UP? You can have an opinion without being a complete fuck about it. If you don't like what someone else is doing, Karen, then use the Google Machine and find something that you DO like. Not that difficult. 

4. I do not possess the constitution to function as an "internet" personality, or one with any kind of attention or notoriety or fame. Also, I don't want to function as such. Fuck that. 

5. Perception is EV-A-REE-THING. Had I read this person's last blog post before knowing anything about it, it just would have been a normal post of someone I can relate to. Her writing style was honest and ... Just honest. Reading it AFTER I knew the path she ultimately chose turned that post into a precursor of a goodbye - something to let someone know just how much she truly loved them. 

You can get all judgy and say that if she truly loved them, she would not have taken her leave. As a person who as teetered on that brink more than once, I can tell you, that's not at all true. The only reason I am still here, truly, is because I am a coward. Otherwise, what goes through the brain in those times is that it doesn't matter, no one will miss me, no one needs me, etc. It's the kind of place that only cowards come away from alive. 

Soooooooooooo, then, what was my point? I got distracted by an old Aubrey Plaza video. Good lord. 

I think my point is this: we cannot possibly know everything that is going on in anyone else's mind or their world, so for fuck's sake, back off with the keyboard commentary bullshit, live, let live, and just worry about you (the collective you). The fucking negativity, vitriol, and hate wears on even the most extroverted and phenomenal souls, and sometimes, it wins, and they don't. 

That all being said, please don't think I'm at that point right now. I'm not. A few weeks ago, maybe, but remember, I am a coward, so for the time being, you're stuck with me. 

The only way to move forward is right through the middle of all the bullshit, be it internal, external, or whatever. Put one foot in front of the other and move. Like this: 

I'm not going to outline any grandiose plans anymore, really. I am going to MOVE when the urge strikes me, get some shit done, regroup, lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum. Whatever we do, it is solely and completely up to us. 

Like right now, there's shit I want and need to get done, so I'm gonna go do it. 

Meanwhile, have an excellent weekend. 

xo