Eating My Veggies

 

So, I’m sitting here with a lot of alone time because I was so tired that I was going to “take a nap” at 6pm, and ended up sleeping til about 1:30am. Here we are. Well, that was about six hours ago. In the meantime, I just did a lot of thinking, a lot of nothing, some drawing, some coffee consumption, and random other shite. It was all over the place.

There’s a lot going on right now, but life doesn’t stop just because you catch a curveball here and there. All the normal daily functions still have to take place – eat, pray, love, poop, etc.

Basically, I came up with this overarching question – What can I do every day to get where I want to be?

MAYBE, now that I think about it, the real question is – WHERE do I want to be?

Furthermore, where do I want to be in the following categories:

•        Health
•        Appearance
•        Marriage
•        Career
•        Money

You may ask yourself why I don’t mention the kids. Because they are fully grown adults with their own lives completely separate from our existence, in assorted locations around the country, so the whole family thing is a bit more distant than some of you may live in your own lives.

Back to the regularly scheduled word-vomit session ...

Where do I want to be in health? Healthy, of course. I get random aches, pains, kidney stones, etc., but for the most part, other than physically being in the “Crone” stage of womanhood, I’m good. I’m tired. I’m a bit worn down, but otherwise, I’m good. There are some things that I need to commit to doing on a regular basis that would improve my daily demeanor, but I’ll get to that later or some other time.

Where do I want to be in appearance? Not looking as I currently do. A lot of that, I can definitely control. I have, as The Theys say, “Let myself go.” Makeup and hair – pfttttt. Sorry, my Beloved. I’m struggling. I have very thinning hair. I wash a handful down the drain every time I shower. I have half-brows, which give me the constant appearance of being startled, unless I stamp some on my face. I haven’t gotten a hair cut or color in nearly a year. Before that, it was COVID year, I believe. I’ve definitely opted for comfort over style in the last decade, since working for myself, or working remotely, long before it was a thing.

Do I feel good about my exterior appearance? Not at all. Can I do something about it. I can. Do I know what that will be? Absolutely not.

Where (who) do I want to be in my marriage? Better than I have been. There are no details I will ever share publicly. As with every married couple, we’ve had the ups, and the downs, and the all-arounds. I don’t compare us to any other couple because we all have different relationships. I just want to be a better contributing partner than I have been.

Where do I want to be in my career? Invaluable, and earning a salary commensurate to that value. I know that I need to keep learning more about the automation and AI aspects, but I am not sitting here trembling with fear that I will be replaced by machines. Those AI bots are far to tactful and friendly to replace my brand of honesty and straightforwardness. We still need human thought, experiences, and emotions, period.

Where do I want to be financially? Comfortable and able to live in a comfortable home with comfortable furnishings in a comfortable location. Theme – comfort. Do I want more than I have now? Yes. Am I comfortable now? Also yes. Current situation excluded, we have busted ass to get to where we are. We have succeeded, and will continue to grow, change, evolve, and do even more.

That all said, I made a list of things I can do every day to get to where I want to be, at least with regards to the health and appearance categories:

•          Choose me.
•          Choose the right foods
•          Don’t obsess over weights and measures
•          Don’t give up
•          Don’t let the external world control my thoughts
•          If I slip, get back up and keep going
•          Move
•          Stop making excuses
•          Stop giving in to every whim or temptation
•          Stop planning and start doing
•          Stop waiting

Let’s examine the list – a fuckton of Don’ts and Stops tempered with choices and movement.

I do choose me. I choose to take care of me. I choose to make me happy.

Choosing the right foods, easy – knowledge-wise; challenging – brain wise (see “If You Slip ...”)

I’m not doing a YouTube channel or blog about my weights and measures. I probably will take measurements at some point, but that’s not what this is about. I weigh in every morning. That’s it. Not even recording it anywhere. Obsession is futile and damaging.

Giving up is the real challenge. The commitment to choosing me is the challenge. Falling into the “Why Bother” hole is the challenge.

That external world has had a hold on my brain for far too long. I truly do know that I cannot control the choices or actions of anyone but myself. For the most part, I have distanced myself from those who saw me as less than, and just moved forward. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t boil to the surface when they make their random appearances, but I’ve improved greatly in how I cope over the years. Now that I recognize that I let the outside world dictate my choices with regards to the shit foods, it’s easier to call myself out on it. Not perfect yet, but getting there. I choose me. I’m done allowing the external to dictate the internal.

Slippage. I do a lot of that. Now I have to work on the “Get back in there!” part.

Movement. This ... This is the thing I vacillate on the most. I know how good I feel when I do it. It’s just the DOING it ... I went to the cemetery two days in a row and felt better after each time. Then, on Wednesday, it stormed. Do you think I’ve been back? I also have performance anxiety, and don’t care to do my workouts in front of a television with anyone else home, or at the gym. Believe you me, I looked at a gym membership again, too, but I know me too well. Having to drive 15 minutes there and back is not conducive to maintaining motivation to MOVE. I’m just going to have to FORCE it upon myself whether I like it or not. Just no other way.

This all falls in line with no longer making excuses. I don’t have to wait on any particular thing to happen before I can do something for myself. The excuses are detrimental, and all bullshit. There is no reason I can’t get up and move in the mornings, or go for a walk in the afternoons, or whenever. I don’t have a set morning work schedule. My bosses are three hours ahead of me, out in Arizona, as are another three coworkers, two in AZ, one in California. Others are at assorted locations around the globe, and usually all the activity doesn’t happen until closer to noon. There’s just nothing holding me back but me. Period.

The whims and temptations – strongly tied to letting the external world dictate my behaviors and moods. I can choose to do other things that put food in the chewhole. I can choose NOT to buy shit foods. I. ME. I didn’t choose me yesterday, when I bought a Fast Break bar and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I didn’t choose me when I ate said candy bar at 3:00am whilst thinking about all this. Next choice will be a better one. And the next, and the next, until it snowballs, and I can get over the bullshit.

Planning is the death of action. At least for me. Yes, there ARE some things that must be planned, but taking care of ME does not require planning. It requires doing. Enough with the bullshit. Enough with the saying I will and mapping it out. I just have to DO it.

As for waiting – I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been waiting on. It’s just a passive-aggressive form of procrastination. Not waiting until tomorrow to start. Not waiting on anyone else before I get up and do something any day of the week. Just DO IT, as those Nike people said.

Of course, YouTube kept me company in the wee hours of this morning. I am prone to click on random videos from people I’ve never seen before and most I hope to never see again. This girl had a video about how she was tired of being fat. I can relate to THAT. I could NOT relate to the 20-something-minute tirade she went on about all manner of bullshit and pretty much talked herself out of being tired of being fat, rather than just shutting up and doing something about it. See, this is why I will NOT have a YouTube channel, and especially not one focused on the imperfections of my being. I’d just be stuck there. No.

If I’m tired of being my current version, then what I have to do is shut up and do something about it. I could give two flying fuquetarts what anyone else thinks about it. 

So, I wrote all that, and then I heard this ... 

From this book: