Or any frog for that matter, but this was the one who showed up:
WARNING: Grab snacks, or a whole pot of coffee - it's a long'n.
We saw this fellow ribbiting his way across the driveway last night, after it had rained yet again. How is this profound? Because, every time he encountered an obstacle, he just stopped, weighed his options, looked at us like the giant fools we were, looming over him as we were, and then he made a different choice. Went in a different direction. Found a workaround.
Lesson? When shit gets in your way, think about it for a second, and then make another choice. Find another way to move forward.
So, I said that I would provide some sort of "plan," if I actually wrote one down. It's Monday night, and write I have not.
I got up today, piddled around with my art stuffs, did a bit of work, then got ready and we left the house. First time in six days, I left the house. Yes, I stayed home on purpose. Welcome to My Form of Depression. I don't move. On top of the slothiness, I also engage in hermitesque behaviors. Saturday, when I could take no more of the noise in my brain, I took a nap. I checked the fuck out for a good two hours. I then proceeded to have unnecessarily fucked up dreams. I woke up and tried again.
Yesterday, I finally got the aquarium cleaned after neglecting my beloved fishlets for too long. It's not like it's out of sight (out of mind). It sits almost center stage in the kitchen, and when I move from one room to the next, I pass it by. It's not gigantic. It's 20-gallon-long tank, but it's just a chore that I kept putting off.
I know. I should not possess fish. Problem is, I love them. I don't want to surrender them to the fish store. I can't throw them in the river. They're domesticated fish. Plus, if Sterbie is THIS BIG:
Actually, I believe he has grown again since this was taken back in the winter
Then just imagine how gigantic he would become in the river ... Maybe this size?
Side note:
I am in LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE with all zee feeeeshies at Meijer in the Pet Department, however I am in LOATHE with the store's treatment of said beasts. I'm about to become a Karen in Training and start taking pictures of the overcrowding, dirty tanks, dead rotting corpses, and other sad conditions and post them on the socials.
Other side note: When we move, I will more than likely have to surrender all these tiny friends to either someone who can house them properly, or to the pet store in Fort Wayne, where they have HUGE tanks that can provide them with safe habitat for the remainder of their lives or until they are re-homed. Leave it to me to pick the fish that have the longer life spans.
ANYWHOOOOOOOOOO, back to what I was discussing ... as I mentioned the other day, the time has come to act like a responsible adult and get my shit together. Tomorrow is the 4th, but that doesn't mean I can't be reasonable and not do stupid things. The one thing I know that won't be the healthiest is the brisket burger on an onion bun, smothered in American cheese with an assortment of condiments, tomato and onion that we'll be having for dinnerables, along with fresh watermelon, but fuck it.
I'll be meal prepping for the week, as well. Making broccoli salad, regular salad, hard-boiled eggs, and maybe sausage/egg casserole for my lunches, but maybe not, and some format of this:
The last time my son came home for Christmas, he made something similar, and it was good, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. They didn't have any pitas, so I got some tiny naan breads, and will use those for the bread element.
We achieved a lot of fruits and veggebles at the store, and very little junk, so that's an accomplishment in and of itself. I will admit that I did buy a candy bar - sort of the final hurrah, or fail, depending on how you view it, and a Diet Dr. Pepper on the way home. I won't be leaving the house all that much this week, so I don't expect to have any further issues.
All that said, in light of what I discussed yesterday, here's what's in store:
The overarching theme: Regain health (told you it would be overarching).
Last year, or maybe earlier this year, I tried some 12-week year thingy. It was okay, but not something I found to be sustainable.
However, in the interest of confining my brain with repetition and systemization, I feel the urge to define some subcategories of the overarching theme:
- Lose the depression
- Go backwards on the Diabeetus scale and get that A1C below 6
- Get movement
- Eat as much whole food as possible
- Take my vitamins and probiotics every morning, no matter what.
I know how to lose the depression. It's called STOP EATING SUGAR (for one ...) I can't cure all of it, but I know that I can bring it back down to a more manageable and forgettable level.
I know how to lose the diabeetus, too. Stop eating stupid shit. I am not currently medicated because I have managed to keep the A1C relatively NOT sky-high (7 or lower). I do need to lose weight, but this is NOT the main point of focus because then I will swirl down the toidy of weight obsession, and that is NOT something I plan to be doing.
This is about gradual changes and doing things more intelligently, instead of just making every excuse under the sun for why I do the things I do.
I heard a quote on some video, but don't ask me what it was because I have no idea; YouTube was on auto-play. This guy was talking about how to stay poor, and the one thing I actually HEARD was this:
"If you want to stay poor, start tomorrow." (Heavily paraphrased, of course, because me)
Just think about that.
And you can exchange "poor" for any adjective you like. For me, it'd be "fat," or "depressed," or "diabetic."
What is the ONE common factor in all the times I have tried and tried and tried and failed? I had to wait to start until Monday. News flash - this is Monday, and I already "started," yesterday. Did I succeed 1000%? No. Did I make concerted efforts to make better choices? Yes.
It's not ALL about the eating and the foods. It's about the mind. I have taken my vitamins two days straight (woot) - Vitamins D and B12. I am starting the probiotic in the morning because it didn't get here til this afternoon, and I want the whole day to get adjusted to the assorted "effects" should they be many!
For quite a while, probably since dad passed, I have been working on taking more time for myself, including NOT working all weekend every weekend. I never worked because I was FORCED to or because I felt I HAD to but because I really, really, really respect and admire my boss, and I want his company to succeed. However, there also has to be time for me, and so I've started taking weekends off. Yes, I will check email, and answer support emails as needed, but I don't do work-work until the work week starts.
I've been learning new things, as you have seen, making arts, learning how to make other things, working on decluttering and renovating Place de Waltenburg, and overall, just NOT withering away, or, as my doctor said the other day, "doing the slow march to death," and giving up. If I were giving up, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor twice in the past month, and once again in another 25 days.
I take full responsibility for not dealing with my feels in a way that would keep me healthy. However, I also know when I need medical attention, and this one of those times.
It's been over 10 years since the Fabulous Disappearing Uterus Show, and in that time, I have been in some fierce denial that I was going through the menopause thing. Even if it's too late for HRT, it's NOT too late to take the best care of myself that I can.
So, in the interest of full disclosure, this was me back in December at 206, after Attempt #5987, and down from 228 that summer:
I can truly and honestly say that I was, indeed, sleepless in Seattle.
Currently, I'm sitting at about 213-214. I haven't taken measurements, but I think I may do that, and yes, THAT I WILL do tomorrow ... and I am NOT tracking calories, macros, etc. I may use Cronometer at some point, but really, I just don't want to go down that road again.
This isn't about how I look, or that I think I need to look better, or look younger, or any of it. No more of that. This is about just living and doing what works best.
As I have sorted through and burned a lot of memories and memorabilia from my past, I realized how much time I have wasted in the pursuit of being someone other than just myself. I can tell you that, even when I lost 50+ lbs on keto, and I was down at 169 lbs, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy unless I was doing things that did not involve a lot of time thinking about myself.
It's not the number on the scale. Not at all.
Good lord, I have rambled on. All just to say the only way forward is to keep making the choices that will not hold me back.
And with that, I bid you a good night (or day, if you read this on the 4th!)
Me and Leonardo AI, c. 2023
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