Zen Polar: Failing to Plan to Plan to Fail

A fairly decent representation of the current state of my brain as interpreted by DALL·E 2

All right. So, I've taken several weeks off of doing ANYTHING related to taking true care of myself. As a result, this experiment was a miserable failure, in most senses. In other senses, it was useful to get a better understanding of who I am, how I function, and what I need to do.

This year's bout with depression has hit kind of really hard. Not in the most terrible sense, but probably the level up, where all I can think is "What, really, is the point?" I have been moving and thinking at the speed of sloth. That is also about all I'm going to say about it. I don't believe that talking about it ad nauseum will make it better. I'm better off when I say nothing about it.

Source

I've gotten back results from the majority of the tests ran from the 15,000 gallons of blood they took out of my person on Tuesday, or was it Monday? I can't remember. I'm not a doctor, so I won't pretend that I know if anything is off or not. I know my cholesterol and triglycerides are high, as well as insulin and C-reactive protein (whatever that is).

Current weight, fully clothed with a hoodie, heavier-fabric yoga pants, and sneakers was 215, as of appointment visit.

Oh, and I failed at NOT looking at the scale, but some days are at least better than others and I only look once in the morning, with clothes on, so there's that. Let's just face the fact that as long as scales are present in this house, I will find a way to step on them.

All that being said, I fully accept and realize that my recent bout with responsibility-free living (food, not everything else) has greatly contributed to the state of my mind. I also know what I have to do to get back to a better frame of mind - lose the sugar.

Also, after much thought, and research, I realize that I can never consume enough foods to get the amount of fiber and other nutrients that I require whilst still trying to get the Type-Deux crap under control. I just can't. Yes, I took a few weeks and ate whatever I felt like eating, including snacks of all varieties, candy bars, and fast food.

Side note: Remember when Arby's used to be the "luxury" fast food; the bomb, if you will? It no longer holds that title. It is complete and utter shit. I will be good if I never consume another thing from there.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah ... Failure to plan ...

I need to get back to where I was back in 2017, when I decided to try keto in order to heal my gut issues, and the determination NOT to be a diabetic. Don't ask ...

At THAT time, my triglycerides were in the 300s. As of this week, they're at a svelte 260. Cholesterol has always been high, even during keto, because you eat fat and meats, and that's what happens.

I'm no longer (finally saying this out loud) on the keto train. Fuck it. It worked, when I worked it, but long-term, it just didn't work for me. I just need to regain the mindset that allowed me to focus and do something that would positively impact my physical being.

So, what have we learned?

Well, ironically, THIS showed up in my YouTube feed this morning:

and more importantly, this bit:

The confinement is the key. This free-for-all living is about as productive as pissing in the wind. I know why I needed a break from it for a hot minute - I was driving myself up a wall, and probably everyone else (read - my Beloved) along with me.

I still do not want to talk about it all day, every day, I just want to actually DO the things that I need to do and get to where I need to be physically, no matter what the scale does or does not say, so I can get rid of the incessant chatter and cloudiness inside my cranium.

Another topic broached in the video was Parkinson's Law (not the disease), which you can read more about here. The gist is "work will expand to fill the time allotted for its completion." This is something I am all too familiar with, due to my current job occupation. It's something that's regularly discussed, and typically never heeded. It also explains a lot of my own procrastinatory traits. Hm.

Basically, if you have a deadline, you're gonna put that shit off til the very last minute, because you don't have to have it done until the predetermined deadline, right? So, when I say, "Oh, I'm going to lose 50 pounds by X," you'd better believe I am going to fail because I will wait until the week BEFORE X, and then not achieve jackshite.

Thusly, as the article recommends, it's better to set an overarching theme (goal), and then create a timeline (yes, deadlines) with much shorter timeframes for each task. Instead of saying, "I'm going to clean out the junk drawer this week," it should be, "I'm going to clean out the junk drawer before 10am today." Get that shit done, right?

Instead of me saying I'm going to start working on myself ... I need to say:

-Today, at the store, I will get fruits, vegetation, protein, and maybe nuts and seeds, and not stop by the junk aisles

-I will take my vitamins before 9am (Check - did that about 15 minutes ago. WINNING!)

See what I'm getting at?

Then, the point of the video was the Stallion Theory, and he had this nifty little chart thingy, which you can get here. I don't know that THAT particular chart is going to work for me, so instead, I am going to map out my strategy in the next hour or two. So, by 11am, I should have a full timeline for the day and week and I will know what I need to do next.

I'm making it sound more complicated than it really is.

I guess the point is, when you run around willy-nilly with no plan, you pretty much go nowhere. (You=me, not YOU, reader)

My shitty choices combined with the general construct of my brain has led me straight down the path of "What the fuck is the point?"

Now, I am making the choices that will lead me to where I actually want to be.

If I actually write something down in a logical format, I will share it here ~~this week~~ by Tuesday morning.

Another sneak peak of the goings on at Place de Waltenburg

I don't know precisely what I am doing just yet, but as you can see by the above picture, things are happening here, and I want to be able to fully enjoy them, which means the time has come to gather my collective shit and make it so.

Meanwhile, if you're bored, I have created more digital papers at Rad-Ish Designs, like this: