Approximately 0.55789 milliseconds earlier, and this would have been the most perfectly aligned row of Death Fans.
I feel like most of what I have read about other people's depression does not really match the way I experience it.
Excessive sleep? Not really. I am, however, prone to taking deep, earth-leaving two- to three-hour power naps to try to escape the gnawing noise in my brain space.
No appetite? Nope. Opposite. I go into IDGAFF (I-Don't-Give-A-Flying-Fuck) mode and eat with the reckless abandon of a chipmunk.
Constant crying and sadness? Not really at all. I might tear up when I watch a sad video about a dog rescue, but otherwise, I seem to become completely emotionless. Cold, even.
I do get the "no interest in anything" feels. I do also get the "I'm ready to exit this planet" feels, or the "What exactly the fuck is the point?" feels. However, I am 100% a coward, and full of FOMO when it comes to that, so I won't be leaving THAT way.
Though it has not been proven, nor really mentioned within the family unit, I get the feeling that perhaps my dad chose that route. You don't drive the same stretch of road for 60-70 years and then all of a sudden forget where the curves are. You just don't. You also don't say you're sorry minutes before you can no longer speak. However, it's neither here nor there, and the discussing of it wouldn't change the end result. I hope wherever he's at now, he has all the answers and is happy.
Back to my brand of "the blues" ... it's more of just a semi-dark cloud that loiters over my being. This wasn't always the case. It was much worse in the younger years, and pre-hysterectomy, in the full throes of hormonal living. Life changes, dietary changes, physical changes all have moved it to more of a back-burner placement.
I can't tell you when it will hit, except to say that I can be in a perfectly GOOD frame of mind, start eating shit foods (mostly sugar and heavy carbs) and then it will hit.
How do I deal with it? Ignorance is bliss, my friends. Act AS IF I am not ... or at least do the things that will silence it. Here are some of the less-than-effective ways:
- play online games
- form a mild case of gambling addiction
- find 15 new hobbies to try and fail at
- consume even more junk and sugar
I don't drink. I'm not a pretty drunk. I'm not really a happy drunk either. I tried that in the younger years. It's quite a feat that I survived those years, honestly. I also don't do drugs. (Nicotine excluded). Just has never been my scene. I don't enjoy the feeling of not having full control of my faculties. It's actually quite terrifying. Therefore, nope. No drugs.
You name it, I can pretend my way through. To the outside world, you really won't know unless I tell you. The only giveaway would be my complete silence and lack of participation in any kind of conversation. Social media presence becomes less than usual. I don't call people because there are no words. I am usually just completely on mute.
Some the more effective ways I cope?
- Lay off the junk
- Take my vitamin D
- Don't watch the news, don't read the news, and especially do NOT read comments sections.
- Watch inspiring stories on socials - NOT the cheesy ones, but some of the more enlightening ones that make me see things through someone else's eyes.
- Art
- Learn something new
Do I take medication? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have, in the past. It was always futile. I despised the way the "anti-depressants" would make me feel. They either turned me comatoast, or made me so anxious and agitated that I just could NOT bear taking them, or gave me consistent burning chemical headaches. Nope. My brain chemistry is clearly not optimally designed to handle such things.
If they work for someone else, EXCELLENT. They just do not work for me.
All this may sound trite, or be taken as dismissive. It's not. It's one person's experience. Every being on this planet feels things differently. I am one of those beings. Just muddling my way through. This has been just one aspect of my existence.
Also, maybe the timeline of these occurrences should be outlined.
It can be here one day, gone the next.
It can be here one hour and gone the next.
It can be here one week, and gone for months.
It can be here one month and gone for years.
In other words, it's unpredictable, and I just take it as it comes.
I try NOT to bring it up, or if I do, it's just in passing, as a description of what's going on in a given day, but I refuse to wallow or talk it to death. Hence, also, no therapy. Talking about the past just makes it far worse than it has to be. The past is there. Just leave it be.
We all heal in our own ways. We all hurt in our own ways. We all survive in our own ways.
In the words of that band of insects (but in a more favorite version):
Oh, and while we're at it, I accidentally made my first shorts on YouTube, whilst just trying to preserve some archival estate footage:
I cannot, however, insert them here, so if you're curious, go here:
or here:
I believe these were taken at some point in 2018.
That's all I've got. I've got some plans swirling in my skull space, but I'll share those another time.
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